HEAT VISION AND JACK
FADE IN
EXT. SPACE
As we stare at thousands of stars, an unassuming voice resents itself.
HEAT VISION (V.O.)
My friend, Jack, says the universe
is infinite, which means that it has
no edge.
We move down, coming to rest on...
EXT. FRANK'S DINER - NIGHT
The starry sky dwarfs a desert highway and truck stop.
HEAT VISION (V.O.)
But if the universe goes forever,
aren't we standing on the edge, right
now?
CUT TO:
INT. FRANK'S DINER - KITCHEN
The kitchen's lone occupant, round, unshaven FRANK, wears an
apron and paper hat. He finishes labeling a ziploc bag "LARD
9/28."
An OLD RADIO on the counter blares with the voice of a
SPORTSCASTER.
SPORTSCASTER (V.O.)
--Now Johnson's got it AND HE'S STILL
GOING!
Frank looks up, eager.
FRANK
Move, Johnson! Use both shoes!
SPORTSCASTER (V.O.)
He's going all the way! He's almost
there! It looks like--
--WEIRD STATIC interrupts the broadcast. It becomes an IRATE
VOICE, cursing in a nonsense language. Frank shakes the
radio in frustration.
FRANK
No! My favorite sporting event!
The radio GLOWS GREEN. Alarmed, Frank backs away.
He picks up his metal spatula and SMACKS at the radio with
it.
The GREEN GLOW shoots through the spatula and into his body.
Frank flies backward out of frame.
CUT TO:
INT. FRANK'S DINER - DINING ROOM
Closing time. PATRICE, waitress, puts a chair on a table.
She calls out to Frank.
PATRICE
You can shut the grill off, Frank,
I'm gonna start closing down.
Frank swings the kitchen door open. He's now wearing
sunglasses. FOG rolls out from behind him.
FRANK
Your kind is a disease. You have
infected this planet.
She turns to face him.
PATRICE
Frank, don't say that.
FRANK
I AM NO LONGER FRANK.
PATRICE
Who are you, then?
FRANK
The ape woman needs a label for
everything. Call me PARAGON. Call me
MASTER, you worthless, monkey whore.
He moves forward.
Patrice throws a ketchup squeeze bottle at him. Frank catches
it in one hand and laughs at her.
Patrice cowers backward into the the jukebox, which begins
playing Third Eye Blind's Semi-Charmed Kind.
FRANK
All monkey sluts shall be ABSORBED.
Frank lowers his glasses. His EYES GLOW GREEN.
The GLOW is reflected on Patrice's face as she SCREAMS.
PATRICE
NOOOOOOO!
FADE TO BLACK
[TITLE SEQUENCE: LAYERED SOUND AND IMAGES]
--A mission control voice: "Three, two, one." A ROCKET BLASTS
OFF. Deep, pounding music.
--JACK AUSTIN is in a pilot's seat, reacting to the G-force
with a raise of his eyebrow.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Jack Austin, American astronaut.
--A three-sectioned screen shows images of a rocket soaring
through space, Jack's face and the BLAZING SUN.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Exposed to inappropriate levels of
solar energy.
--Computer graphics: A human brain EXPANDS.
--[part of the super intelligence sequence:] Jack screams
beneath hundreds of exploding lightbulbs.
JACK (V.O.)
I... KNOW... EVERYTHING!!!!
--Jack is standing over a chess board, moving the white pieces
with his left hand, the black pieces with his right, hitting
the clocks with blinding speed. He seems bewildered by his
own ability.
SCIENTIST (V.O.)
Sunlight makes him the world's most
intelligent man!
--RON SILVER is on a car phone. A voice from the other end
says, "I want that brain taken out."
--In a white, hospital-like hallway, Jack sees Ron Silver
coming at him and runs away.
--Outside NASA, Jack runs through a door, followed by Ron.
Ron shoots an evil-looking ray gun. Jack ducks.
--A blonde man (we don't see his face) and the orange
motorcycle on which he's seated are ENGULFED in a blinding
FLASH.
--Computer graphics: a motorcycle ABSORBS a human body.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Heat Vision, a motorcycle with the
mind of Jack's unemployed roommate.
--Heat Vision's console. The dial turns to IGNITION. The
RPMs soar.
--Heat Vision pops a wheely.
--Far shot of Heat Vision and Jack moving toward one another,
their silhouettes meeting in the center, against a gigantic
SUN.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Together, they must run for their
lives, blocked at every turn by
adventure.
TITLE: HEAT VISION AND JACK
--Jack punches a werewolf across the face
--Jack makes out with a beautiful woman.
--Jack types on a computer keyboard in a dark office. The
screen says "ACCESSING MAINFRAME."
--Jack sword-fights with the Devil.
--Jack, naked, next to a GIGANTIC PENCIL. Realizing he's
been shrunken down, he looks at the pencil and SCREAMS.
--Jack stands in blackness, looking at us, smiling. TITLE:
JACK BLACK as JACK AUSTIN
--Close on a motorcycle tire peeling rubber.
--Heat Vision pops a wheely and hits a fat chef in the head
with his front tire.
--Two women kiss Heat on the sides of his headlamp.
--Heat Vision is parked in blackness. TITLE: OWEN WILSON as
the voice of HEAT VISION
--A metal NASA door SPLITS down the middle, revealing Ron
Silver. He marches forward as if he's going to kill us.
TITLE: RON SILVER as HIMSELF
[For a few brief notes, the music gets plinky and light
hearted as:]
--Jack and Heat Vision argue over a batch of burnt cookies--
Jack is wearing a lead apron with a radioactive symbol on
it.
[The music turns hard and studly again:]
--Heat Vision jumps over a car--by himself!
--An explosion.
--Jack leaps over a stack of cardboard boxes, tackling a
hood.
--Jack soars through the air toward us on Heat Vision, backlit
by the humongous sun.
FADE IN:
EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY - NIGHT
JACK speeds down the dark, open road. He's wearing a blue
NASA jumpsuit and yellow navigator shades.
JACK
Let me know when your tires start
wearing down, Heat Vision.
Whenever HEAT VISION, the motorcycle, speaks, his headlight
BLINKS.
HEAT VISION (V.O.)
My wheels'll are fine, Jack, but I'm
starving.
Jack looks down to the FUEL GAUGE. It's nearing E.
HEAT VISION (V.O.)
Hey, remember when I was human, and
we ran out of gas in Tijuana and we
drank that cheap tequila and you
woke up with a 72 year old woman?
Jack squints ahead, trying to see the road. It's strobed,
due to Heat Vision's excited speech.
HEAT VISION (V.O.)
And she followed us to the border
and the police wouldn't let you back
into America until you kissed her in
front of everybody--
JACK
--Be quiet. I can't see when you
talk.
CUT TO:
EXT. FRANK'S DINER - NIGHT
The lights inside are out, but the sign says "OPEN."
Jack and Heat pull in. The cycle's engine shuts off.
JACK
Now we can both fill up, uh?
(beat)
Who wants premium?
Long pause.
JACK
Heat Vision?
HEAT VISION (V.O.)
I was asked to be quiet.
CUT TO:
INT. FRANK'S DINER - DINING ROOM
Dark. Empty. As Jack enters, his eyebrow shoots up.
Something's amiss.
The jukebox is skipping: "Doo doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo
doo.." Jack walks to it and pulls the plug.
Heat Vision rolls to the diner's door and pushes halfway
through with his front tire.
HEAT VISION (V.O.)
Listen, I don't want to fight--
Jack walks to a light switch and flips it.
The place is trashed. Chairs have been scattered. The walls
are covered with smeared, red writing: "I AM PARAGON", "KNEEL
BEFORE ME", "YOUR MASTER HAS ARRIVED" and subtle variations.
HEAT VISION (V.O.)
Agh! What the (BLEEP) happened here?
Is that blood?
JACK
(dismissive)
The blood of tomatoes.
Jack crouches by a small pile of ASH. He examines a pinch
of it, sifting the powder through his fingers.
A waitress' pen is laying nearby. He picks it up.
JACK
Heat Vision: We've stumbled onto
the scene of a very unusual crime.
HEAT VISION (V.O.)
We tend to do that, don't we?
CUT TO:
INT. FRANK'S DINER - KITCHEN
Jack enters through the swinging door and looks around.
The grill is hot. The spatula is fused to the radio.
SHERIFF (O.S.)
FREEZE!
From a back doorway, a beautiful SHERIFF has drawn her
revolver. Jack raises his hands, turning on the charm.
JACK
You shouldn't point those things at
people. They're dangerous.
SHERIFF
Only if I pull the trigger.
JACK
I wasn't talking about the gun.
SHERIFF
Neither was I.
They stand there a moment, confused by their own wit.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
A HOOKER knocks on a door. FRANK opens it from the inside.
He's still wearing his apron and sunglasses.
HOOKER
You called for a date?
FRANK
Yes. Paragon will date you.
She steps inside the room. The door closes. Through the
curtained window, we see a green glow. The hooker SCREAMS.
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
The Sheriff closes the door on a jail cell. Jack is inside.
JACK
Where's Heat Vision?
SHERIFF
Locked up, just like you, until you
tell me who are you and where you've
been.
She folds her arms and sits on her desk, studying Jack in
his cell.
JACK
Nobody ever believes me.
SHERIFF
Try me.
JACK
My name is Jack Austin. I was an
astronaut.
FLASH CUT TO
SPACE
A retro-looking spacecraft soars through the cosmos.
JACK looks out a porthole, smiling pleasantly.
JACK (V.O.)
On my last mission, an orbital mix-
up brought me too close to the sun.
Jack's smile breaks into a look of shock as he sees--
The almighty SUN.
Jack clutches his head, screaming in agony. We cannot hear
him from outside.
BACK TO:
INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
JACK
As a result, I am now the most
intelligent man alive.
SHERIFF
(leading him on)
I didn't know it worked like that.
JACK
Think of the human brain as raw dough.
The sun is a giant oven. It caused
my mind to rise and expand.
SHERIFF
You don't seem so smart.
JACK
I need solar energy. At night, I'm
no more intelligent than you.
SHERIFF
So, what happens when I get on that
phone, and NASA tells me--
Jack's eyes bug out. He runs at the bars, startling her.
JACK
--NO! Never call NASA. They've already
got a man tracking me down. A very,
very dangerous man.
FLASH CUT TO
INT. NASA HEADQUARTERS
A metal door, bearing the NASA logo, splits open. RON SILVER
marches toward us, threateningly.
JACK (V.O.)
His name is Ron Silver. Like me, a
former astronaut, but also a gifted
actor... and a cold blooded killer.
BACK TO:
INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
The Sheriff nods her head, pretending to mull this over.
SHERIFF
Ron Silver. Got it. Say, let me ask
you a question, Jack. How "high" did
your "rocket ship" take you before
you got "totally baked?"
Jack gives her a disappointed look. The phone rings. She
chuckles as she stands and heads for it.
CUT TO:
EXT. FRANK'S DINER - NIGHT
A dirty, cigar chomping MECHANIC bunjee cords Heat Vision to
the bed of a pick-up truck (Heat facing the tailgate).
HEAT VISION (V.O.)
You're taking me to jail, right?
Jack and I have to stick together.
The mechanic is startled. He taps the bike's headlamp.
MECHANIC
What'll those Koreans think of next?
HEAT VISION (V.O.)
(protesting)
I was born in Iowa.
MECHANIC
Well, you're gonna die in the junk
yard.
The mechanic laughs at himself--until Heat Vision ROARS to
life. The rear tire SPINS, SMOKING. The bunjee cords SNAP as
Heat REARS UP like an angry horse.
The mechanic SCREAMS and dives aside. When he looks up, he
sees--
--Heat Vision racing down the desert highway!
HEAT VISION (V.O.)
(trailing off)
You're a very rude person!
The mechanic gets to his feet and scratches his head through
his hat, still chomping the cigar, impressed.
MECHANIC
I gotta quit inhaling spray paint.
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
The Sheriff is still talking on the phone.
SHERIFF
I'll be right there.
She hangs up and grabs her coat, looking at Jack.
SHERIFF
Were you at the Lazy Seven motel
tonight?
He shakes his head.
JACK
Is that where they found the next
pile of ash? Be careful, Sheriff.
Based on what I saw at that diner,
I'd say "Paragon" is not of this
world.
SHERIFF
Good thing I've got you around.
JACK
I won't be here much longer. At
sunrise, I'll be so intelligent, no
cell will be able to hold me.
SHERIFF
(smile)
Careful on your way out. I hardly
ever feed Gary.
She nods to an unleashed German shepherd, laying in the
corner. Sensing that it's being looked at, Gary looks up and
growls.
The Sheriff walks out.
Jack sits down on his cot, trying to think.
HEAT VISION (O.S.)
Psst! Pssst!
He looks to his cell's window, where Heat Vision's blinking
headlight can be seen.
Jack smiles, relieved and runs to the window.
JACK
Heat Vision. You've got to help me.
HEAT VISION (V.O.)
I can't get in there, man. Doorknobs,
remember?
Dejected, Jack looks past Heat to the horizon. The sky is
streaked with orange.
JACK
Come on, you big ball of gas, light
my darkest hour.
HEAT VISION (V.O.)
Okay.
JACK
Not you.
CUT TO:
INT. MOTEL ROOM
Completely trashed, ash everywhere. "KNEEL BEFORE PARAGON"
is written on the mirror in lipstick.
The Sheriff is waiting for a DOCTOR to finish examining
something under a microscope.
DOCTOR
This is very, very strange. These
ashes are dehydrated human tissue.
SHERIFF
Are you saying someone removed the
water from six missing prostitutes?
DOCTOR
That would be one theory.
(bemused)
If that technology existed outside
of... comic books and rap music.
RON SILVER (O.S.)
Hi, there.
RON SILVER, suit clad, stands in the doorway. He holds up a
NASA ID.
RON SILVER
I need to ask a few questions. My
name is Ron Silver.
The Sheriff is shocked. The Doctor snaps three times and
points at Ron.
DOCTOR
I just rented Timecop. You were the
bad guy in Timecop.
Ron gives the Doctor a warm smile and nod.
RON SILVER
Acting is one of my more enjoyable
diversions.
(severe)
However, right now, what I'd really
like to do is find a man named Jack
Austin.
He holds up a photo of Jack (Jack Black's headshot) and smiles
at the Sheriff.
SHERIFF
I... How exactly do you know Mr.
Austin?
RON SILVER
He's a test subject. We were
researching the effects of zero
gravity... On the mentally ill.
(fighting impatience)
Am I to take it you know where he
is?
Off the Sheriff's look, we...
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE STATION
Jack is standing in the middle of his cell, facing the window.
He holds his arms out at his sides, waiting.
A ray of sunlight shoots between the bars, terminating at
Jack's feet. The sun ray moves up to his feet, knees, crotch,
chest, and...
We ZOOM into Jack's eye as his face is washed with the dawn's
mighty kiss.
CUT TO:
TRADEMARK SUPER INTELLIGENCE SEQUENCE